January 18, 2007
Dear Mr. Penn:
First off, let us say that we have been fans of yours ever since Van Wilder. After that, we planned a whole night to go see Harold and Kumar go to White Castle shortly after in opened. We even decided to drink beer and eat White Castle specifically for the event, and those are two things we wouldn’t normally do. The Staff concurred that Harold and Kumar was one of the funniest movies we’d ever seen. In early 2006 we championed your induction onto The Wall. We truly believed you were one of the best young comedic actors in Hollywood.
However, that was almost a year ago. Not to sound too offensive, but since that time, your role selection has been questionable. First, as much as we may hate to say it, we went to see Superman Returns. For some reason, we were unaware that you were in that film. Don’t worry, our intern got FIRED for that. Naturally, we were happy to see your name in the credits, figuring you’d play some sort of comic relief. Much to our chagrin, you played one of Lex Luthor’s mindless henchmen and barely had a speaking role in the movie. Initially troubled, we didn’t know what to do other than “Beef” you on our website. Apparently, your PR people didn’t pay much attention to our concern and didn’t relay our beef to you. Did that sound gay? Anyway, after Superman Returns, you took a role The Namesake, an independent film about an Indian immigrant adjusting to life in America. Not exactly our cup of tea, but you have every right to expand your acting chops and pay homage to your heritage. We’ll let that one slide.
Next, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj hit theatres. Finally, Kal is going back to his bread and butter. Unfortunately, The Staff has yet to see this film. We’ll take the blame for that one – our fault for having busy schedules. It has nothing to do with the fact that the movie was only in theatres for approximately thirty-six hours. Nothing at all…. We’re sure you were fantastic and hilarious in the picture.
Shortly after that, our high level contacts leaked us information that you were going to appear in 24 this season. Of course, by high level contacts, we mean the commercials that have been running on Fox every seven minutes for the past four months. Due to the nature of the show, we had a feeling you’d be playing a terrorist, but hoped that somehow you might play a CTU computer tech. At the very least, if you did have to play a terrorist, you’d at least either a) have a big role, or b) have a funny role. Of course, Kal had neither of these. He made it through four episodes, one heel turn, and one unsuccessful showdown with Jack Bauer. Our disappointment is growing Mr. Penn. By the way, sorry to hear about your brother Chris’ passing. Furthermore, our scouts informed us that you were recently a serial rapist on Law and Order: SVU. Not very Wallish behavior, Kal.
Finally, it appears that you will be starting in the forthcoming Epic Movie, which looks epically terrible. I suppose this is an attempt at a comedic role, and it’s a bad move, so the argument could be made that this is acceptable behavior for a Wall Member, but frankly, we expect more out of you.
So, Kal, we’d just like to know what’s going on. Why this recent decline in performance? Most people take off once they’re added to The Wall (see Reynolds, Ryan). Does your agent just suck? Are you locked into crappy studio obligations? Do you hate us? Do you feel you can never live up to the high standards of The Wall? It can be intimidating, we know. Now, don’t worry, we’re not threatening de-Walling, we’re just trying to right this ship before it’s too far gone. We’re only looking out for you, Kal. You know where to reach us.
Be sexy like Reynolds and visit The Wall Lounge Archives.
How does this rub you? | Comment 
“He’s not dead, not as long as we remember him.”
Suggestion Box (133)
Wall Sightings! (119)
Story of the Super Bowl Drinking Game (42)
The Great Chicken Wing Taste Off 06 (40)
Wall Review: Transporter 2 (38)
The Wall Needs You! Try as we may, time contraints and restraining orders prevent us from tracking all the Wall’s Men, all of the time. That being said, we need your help. Have you seen a Wall Member on TV? In a movie? In your house? In gay porn? Drop a comment below. The Wall thanks you.
No More Spam!